Looking back to December 18, 1995....I can see it in my mind, playing like a clear movie. I was a young 22 years old, 30 weeks pregnant, & not feeling too good that weekend. A higher level ultrasound in the days prior had shown some fluid in her abdomen & an enlarged heart, but nothing anatomically wrong, so we would just wait. A trip to the hospital the day before yielded no new information. Feeling worse, I went back to the hospital. This time a specialist was called in. Fetal movement was decreased. Growth had slowed. All the previous symptoms were there. A c-section was planned because "sometime babies just grow better on the outside." Bethany came @ 1:00 pm weighing a meager 2 lb 13 oz & 13 inches long. She had some of the Schoemaker & Bynum looks, & so much hair! She was named for the church, Bethany Baptist, where Eddie & I were introduced.
I worked as a nursing assistant in the NICU step down unit at Arkansas Children's Hospital, I'd seen plenty of "30 weekers" go home and do fine. Worried....no way! Young, me? Yes. Gallantly riding on the coat-tails of faith? Absolutely!
CMV. That was it. That was the culprit for the fluid, the enlarged heart and liver, the slowed growth, the bleeding on the brain, the bruising on the skin. Everything. CMV- cytomegalovirus. A nasty little bug if you are a growing fetus in the early stages of pregnancy. Nothing I could have done. And this, we were told, was a one-in-a-million case of it...rare to be so severe.
So many friends & family surrounded us. So much faith & love at all times. Visiting the NICU constantly. Touching...caressing...observing...talking. Wow, how amazing it was to see her react to her daddy's voice! She knew him...he'd been talking to her for 3o weeks.
Then came "the talk." You know, the one where everyone gathers and the doctors look so serious and you get the "I'm sorry." This was most likely going to be fatal for Bethany, and even if she were to survive it, high odds were that she would be so severely handicapped, blind, deaf...so we made the decision to perform no heroic measures to save her if she started going downhill. We got to finally hold her....WOW! Love reaches every crevice in your heart when you hold that first baby...sick or not.
On December 21, the NICU doctor called us..."she's going down, you should come in." So there we went. No turning back. Carried by God Himself we made the trip into the NICU. We positioned ourselves. They placed Bethany in my arms...no tubes...no wires...no more alarms...quiet...still...peace...
And that was it. Her little precious soul slipped out of her body in my arms and gallantly skipped into Heaven and into Jesus' arms! Glory hallelujah! No more fluid, no more enlarged heart, no more brain bleeds, no more purple spots, no more suffering...only peace...
What a rock my dear husband Eddie was through all of it. His faith never failed...his love never failed...and to this day we both continue to stand on the truth that God did not fail us because He brought Bethany to Him...we prayed for healing...she got the ultimate healing...peace...
Never in a million years would I have thought that at 22 years old I would be laying to rest my 3 day old firstborn baby girl...peace...
13 years...I think what things might be like today, celebrating Bethany's 13th birthday. Cake, candles, & presents that only a 13 year old girl would love...peace...
In those moments, days, weeks, & even a few months after that experience, I was angry. Why would God do such a thing? I have since learned through my journey of faith that God does not "do" these things. Things happen & God uses them to teach us...grow us...allow us to help others through our experience...which is what I feel I did wholeheartedly as an NICU RN at ACH for the next four years. You see, I was in nursing school, on Christmas break, when this happened. I was supposed to sit out the next semester because Bethany was due in February. So, I went back, and pressed on...was told to wait 12 months to get pregnant again...found myself pregnant in 3 months and due Christmas break the next year...my senior year of nursing. I had my baby boy, graduated nursing school, went to work in the NICU, met and helped many families through the stress and grief, good moments, bad moments, and celebratory moments...people that I still keep in contact with today...VERY special people...I love you guys!
I learned so much from My Bethany. Wonderful things do come in small packages, and sometimes it's the little things that affect you the most...for a long time...like the rest of your life...peace...
Like I said I still remember it like it was yesterday. Some days I can't remember what I ate for breakfast or if I put on deoderant...but this I remember. I remember the nurses and doctors and respiratory therapists...names and faces. The look and smell and sound of the NICU. The tubes, wires, babies, beds, everything. The wonderful nurse who had her camera and took our wonderful pictures...I can't express fully how much those pictures mean to us. In the good and bad of all of it...peace...surrounded by God and angels and family and friends...peace...we love you all and thank you so much for sharing & giving of yourselves when you were pierced by this wound with us!
When you might feel like God has given up on you, don't give up on God. We had to let our baby girl go...He put His baby on the cross. He made a much greater sacrifice than we could ever give...for you and me...for peace. This Christmas season, put your heart and your hurts in the hand of the Lord. Allow Him to mold you through your madness. Give God His chance to use you for His purpose...and that starts with His Son. Where ever you may be...saved or unsaved...make a leap to come to know Him or get to know Him. He will take you places you've never been before...yes sometimes the valley...but then there's a million mountain-tops, too...peace...
Happy Birthday My Bethany...peace...
